A few more questions from a test from 2004. I know you’re doing great, so far.
1. “I think the Jews need me right now.”
A. Saddam Hussein, offering to move to Israel and host a daytime talk show.
B. Geraldo Rivera, on why he was recently married in a synagogue.
C. Celebrity attorney Johnnie Cochran, on his offer to mediate the Palestinian problem.
D. Jesus, who has returned and saw Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ.
2. “Wal-Mart is the greatest thing that ever happened to low income Americans.”
A. A. W. Michael Cox, chief economist of the Federal Reserve Bank in Dallas, who has never worked or shopped in one.
B. Sam Malts, who recently divested his portfolio of all Kroger, Safeway, Jewel and Albertson’s stock and bought heavy in Wal-Mart.
C. Ex-Secretary of the Treasury Paul O’Neill during an interview with the board of directors for the position of CEO of Wal-Mart.
D. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who then couldn’t remember ever having actually shopped at one, either.
3. “Admiral McGinn, one of the things that we don’t want to do is to destroy the infrastructure of Iraq, because in a few days we’re going to own that country.”
A. Karl Rove, advising the military on how he wanted the invasion of Iraq to proceed.
B. George Bush, quoting Karl Rove’s advice on how Rove wanted the invasion of Iraq to proceed.
C. British Petroleum’s CEO John P. Browne advising the regime how he wanted the invasion of Iraq to proceed.
D. Tom Brokaw, NBC news anchor, on how he thought the invasion of Iraq should proceed.
4. “This war (in Iraq) is the most important liberal, revolutionary U.S. democracy-building project since the Marshall Plan.”
A. George Bush, showing off his new-found ability to read directly from cue cards.
B. Karl Rove, trying to make the invasion appear more than just another war for oil.
C. Milton Friedman, New York Times columnist, ignoring the 112 billion barrels of oil waiting for Americans to steal from under Iraq.
D. Bill Clinton, trying to re-energize his right wing political base.
5. “And I just think Navy SEALs rock.”
A. Laura Lynch, member of the band the Dixie Chicks, trying to make amends for their earlier intelligent and educated stand on the moron’s idiocies.
B. Saddam Hussein, hoping for a little kinder treatment from his American captors.
C. Gordon Beatty, trainer at San Diego’s Sea World, in a misunderstanding during a conversation with a local FOX NEWS reporter.
D. Katie Couric, host of NBC’s Today Show, drooling all over one Commander Thompson in lieu of an actual interview.
6. “It could be expected to be fairly ruthless in dealing with the remnants of Saddam.”
A. A former U.S. intelligence officer describing the America’s creation of Iraq’s new secret police.
B. Dan Rather, describing the two Iraqis who still support the American occupation.
C. Paul Wolfowitz, describing the American oil industry’s demand for ownership of 100% of Iraq’s oil fields.
D. First Lady Laura Bush, describing how her Texas lady friends would behave in Iraq.
7. “Our goal is to recapture the No. 1 spot and surpass Hillary Clinton’s book sales.”
A. Pat Robertson, discussing the lagging sales of the Bible in America’s bookstores.
B. Bill O’Reilly, fantasizing about how well his book could do, especially now that the Conservative Book Club is selling it at an introductory offer of $1 to join the club.
C. O. J. Simpson, taking a break from his daily round of golf, talking about the book that captures the drama of his “Search for the Real Killers.”
D. Los Angeles Lakers star Shaquille O’Neal, talking about his new book “How To Make 100% Of Your Free Throws”.
8. “How many times do you get away with this – to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face into a toilet bowl?”
A. George Bush, describing a game that he and First Lady Laura Bush sometimes engage in.
B. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, talking about his latest vapid movie.
C. U.S. Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft, discussing his fantasy about Janet Reno.
D. Bill Clinton, describing his fantasy about Janet Reno.
9. “If we overpaid taxes on income we didn’t have, we may seek a refund.”
A. VP Dick Cheney, following the passage of the third round of tax cuts for the wealthy.
B. Andy Brimmer, spokesman for HealthSouth, where executives overstated earnings to illegally drive up stock values, on the fact that these executives paid federal tax even on the fraudulently gained income to avoid running afoul of the IRS.
C. A homeless person, interviewed by a phony reporter who had recently escaped from a mental institution.
D. George Bush, misunderestimating how the tax system works in America.
10. “They gave no reason at all, despite being asked over and over …”
A. Saddam Hussein, when asked what he thought of the American invasion.
B. Movie critic Max Strong, when asked what Mel Gibson expressed as his reason for making “The Passion of the Christ”.
C. Karl Robertson, describing his conversation with the five conservative members of the Supreme Court after appointing Bush president.
D. Abdullah Muhsin, spokesman for the Iraqi Worker’s Federation of Trade Unions, concerning the arrest of eight members by American military forces.
Aren’t these fun?