PTSD – Writer’s Anger

I’ve had a few folks, recently, ask why so much of my writing sounds so angry.  They ask why I call politicians, and particularly Republicans but right wing Democrats as well, animals and filth and the other endearing terms I so often use.  Why, they ask, can’t I be more like all the other bloggers who talk about the same types of topics but are vastly more “civilized” and polite and less insulting.  The answer is simple; PTSD.

PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, became a part of my brain as a child (oh, but that is another long, long story in and of itself) but when I went off to war in Vietnam to kill them thar “Godless Commies” (although most turned out to be Buddhists and a few Christians). PTSD dug itself a nice little cave in my brain and began its lifelong love affair with my every day interactions with people and events.  Over the years, I’ve been able to move the memories and smells and sounds out of the cave and into a closet, a closet where I can keep my PTSD locked up away from my thoughts for little at a time.

But now and again, the rats that also inhabit that closet eat through the door and the memories and sights and sounds come rushing out and all I want is to get back inside the walls of my home, lock all the doors and push the world away while I try to cram all that PTSD crap back into the closet again and try to regain my “sane” face and persona.

As anyone with PTSD will tell you, if they are able to express their feelings at all, is that each of us are two very different people.  We have one face that we show the world, the one that says, “Hi, I’m just like you.  I’m not different or crazy.  I’m normal and I think normal things and I have a normal life just like you.”

The other face is the one we try desperately to hide away from the world.  That’s the face that we see in the mirror.  That’s the one that, when we feel PTSD beginning to tear away at the “normal” mask we show to people, we try to hide someplace, to get alone, physically or mentally, so that we can smooth away the scars and the fear and the distrust and the uncertainty and shame and, after a while, come back out and hope that we got all the wrinkles out and that our “normal” face is the one people are used to seeing.

That, my friends, is where my anger in words comes from.  I look at people in my day to day life and I know that, while they each have their own stories, damn few have the images and sounds and smells in their heads that I do.  They’re on their way to shop and thinking about what to buy.  They’re on the way to the mall and thinking about that new video game or shoes or whatever they’ve been wanting.  They’re on their way to work and the worst thing on their minds may be a boss that’s a complete ass and makes their days more difficult than necessary.  This is the world they inhabit.  These are the big “problems” in their lives.

They’re not thinking about their neighbor’s son or daughter face down in the dirt, 10,000 miles away, hoping that all those damn rounds that are flying through the air above them and the IEDs and the RPGs are not aimed at their fragile, tiny heads.  They’re not hearing the screams of the wounded and dying from all sides.  They’re not sweating and tired and sick and scared, picking their way through body parts, looking for the people that have to be shipped home to their families in America and ignoring the parts that the locals will have to come gather up and try to figure out who belonged to what part and bury them in whatever fashion their particular brand of superstition demands.  That doesn’t the cross the minds of 99.9999% of the people even once in any given day.  Those things aren’t important.  Those things aren’t on their TVs and FOX NEWS (what a bunch of morons) and we all know that the only reality that the vast majority of Americans think exists is on that damn television.

Yes, I’m aware that a few are also living with cancer or failed marriages or the like.  I know that life isn’t perfect out there.  But here’s the difference; if you have cancer there are billions being spent to help find a cure.  If you’re in a failed marriage there are a million family counselors and lawyers awaiting your call.  Basically, whatever ails you, there are resources out there that will happily help you.  Hell, even your friends will stand by you through whatever you’re facing and do so proudly.

PTSD is vastly different.  I can walk into any group of people and tell you in ten seconds who has PTSD just from the emptiness of the eyes, the avoidance of real contact, the body language towards those standing nearest.  To everyone else, their “sane” faces are screwed on so tightly that very, very few can see the stress and alertness just below the surface.  I can.  Others have come up to me and, through words and postures, shown me that they, too, understand and see those tags that say “freak” and “different”.  I love and appreciate those people but, god almighty, they are so few and far between.

Friends that can support us?  Most of us push people away by habit.  If you don’t come near me, you can’t hear the voices the screaming in my head, you won’t see the tears that come unexpectedly, you won’t hear me shouting in my sleep.  Friends are what other people have.  We have people we know.  Acquaintances.  PTSD doesn’t lend itself to letting us become close to anyone.  That’s why I love dogs and cats and chickens.  I never have to worry about what they see behind my mask.  They don’t care.

Okay, I’ve tried to explain a little of why I feel so different from you.  Why am I so angry about it?  Why do I despise 99% of the politicians and 99.9% of the religious freaks out there?  That one is actually easier to answer on most levels.  It’s because the vast, vast majority of PTSD is caused by the injuries and the horrors of war and 100% of war is caused by politicians and religious freaks of all religions and parties.

Tell me, when was the last time you heard a politician with a snow ball’s chance in hell of election stand up and say that we have to stop engaging in every single war unless we, ourselves, are attacked and then only to the extent necessary to end the attack?  When was the last time that you heard one politician state that, if elected, they will put an end to the massive sales of weapons of mass destruction that the United States and the war machines engages in every second?  When was the last time you heard any candidate state firmly and with utter conviction that they will work 100% of the time to end all wars of aggression that America starts, that we will embargo every single nation that sells one weapon to another country or creates an army of aggression?  What politician has ever stated that we will use our wealth and talent to create a world in which the word “PEACE” is the topic of every mass governmental meeting?  When was the last time that any politician stated loudly that he would cut the trillions being wasted by the Pentagon and use that money to mend the minds and bodies of those who served in these useless wars waged solely to steal the resources of other nations?  When was the last time?  Ever?  EVER?

All politicians ever talk about is war and weapons and those “evil Muslims” and “illegals” and everyone and everything we have to have a war against.  All they promise is more of the same than their opponent will give you and they do that with pride because they know that is what the mindless drones want to hear.  The race isn’t to the top, the race is always to the bottom and then they demand more money and more bodies to keep digging deeper and deeper.

And when was the last time you saw so-called Christians come together by the hundreds of thousands to demand an end to all wars of aggression?  When was the last time you saw the cross they hold so sacred being carried by thousands of men and women demanding that the words and teachings of Jesus be respected and followed by those same political liars that proclaim themselves Christians while encouraging and voting to send your children off to kill, be killed or come home with a mind empty of anything but a dull, unrelenting hurt?

Do Christians even give a rat’s ass about the teachings of Jesus anymore or are they all just afraid of going to some imaginary hell if they don’t go to church twice a year and then halfheartedly beg for forgiveness for the sins that any god worthy of worship could care less about while ignoring their absolute refusal to follow the words of peace and love and sharing that Jesus taught with every word and action ever reported in their bible?

When Christians go to vote, do they take along the teachings of Jesus to guide them in their selections or do they take along the latest hate filled filth from Limbaugh and O’Reilly and Beck and FOX NEWS?  Do they vote for the candidate that promises peace or the candidate that hates gays and abortion and single mothers and “liberals” and anti-Americans who don’t want to “defend” America by murdering children in their sleep thousands and thousands of miles away?  Do these fake Christians even remember the Sermon on the Mount when they vote?  Do they even understand that Jesus never, NOT ONCE, said a word about abortion or gays or “defending” anything?  When he spoke about mothers at all he said we have a duty to provide for them.  Want a few examples of what Jesus taught but are NOT what the wealthy, war loving freaks want that have warped the bible with words that are the exact OPPOSITE of the teachings of Jesus included in their “sacred book”?  He spoke very clearly, for those not filled with stupid, blind rage and hate, by the way.

Remember, these are CHRISTIANS, not Leviticans or Paulians or anything else.  The crap from those books are useless if you are to follow the true teachings of Christ who you proclaim to be the absolute son of god.

Remember the “Eye of the needle” teaching from Mark 10:17-25?

How about “What you do to the least among us you do to me“? That’s Matthew 15: 35-40.

For those who love wars, Jesus spoke clearly when he said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” That’s Matthew 5:9.

How about the many times Jesus spoke out against gays whether in the military or becoming married or anything else? Was it, perhaps, NEVER ONCE?

What did Jesus say about the poor? Did he think that they were to be ignored and abused and ridiculed while the wealthy were to be worshiped and admired?

So, I’m angry because the two groups that get the most media coverage and, thus, the loudest voices when it comes to war are both liars, hypocrites and violent psychopaths (I will ignore the wealthy themselves since they use these two groups to do their bidding while they hide in the shadows and pull the ignorant, wooden-headed puppet’s strings).  I’m angry because Americans either are too too willfully uninformed about what the hell they are doing when they vote or just too stupid to be able to think through the ramifications of everything that their candidates are promising.

If your candidate says we must go to war, do you ask yourself and your friends and neighbors if that is the only answer to whatever question the politicians invented in order to frighten you into voting for him or her?  If your candidate says that the only way to create jobs is to make the wealthy even richer and, 12 years later, there STILL aren’t any damn jobs, does that ever sink below the surface of your little skull and show itself for the lie that it is and was and always will be?  When a candidate tells you that you have to send your children (YOURS, not theirs) off to some country that they and you could never find on a map, do you ever ask if the reasons that they give you are even faintly related to reality?  And when you child comes home from those wars you love so much and they are sad and they are withdrawn and they want to hide in their rooms and drink and scream in their sleep, do you ever, for one second, wonder if it was worth it?  Was the mind of your son or daughter so unimportant that you will just go back to your favorite spewer of hate and seek excuses for why everything is absolutely screwed up?  Are they giving you answers that make sense or are they just vomiting up the same crap over and over and taking their millions of dollars and laughing at you and your children and the hell that you go through because of them?

This has nothing whatsoever to do with anything but the horrors of PTSD that you are so gleefully inflicting on children from America and in all those places where the “others” live that you know we’re killing but you haven’t the slightest idea WHY we’re killing  them except for those bumper sticker slogans of “War On Terrorism” and “We have to fight them there before they come here”?  Did they protect Americans from Timothy McVeigh?  Did they protect Americans from Columbine?  Did they protect Norway from their very own psychopath?  Did they protect Americans from 9/11 regardless of which fairy tale story you choose to believe about that?

People do not hate you when you do not do them harm.  They may hate your superstitions but that is a problem for the leaders of the superstitions to deal with, not for our children to die for.  If America needs energy then lets use the vast resources we waste building better and better weapons to build more and more efficient and easily produced energy here where we live.  If America needs cheap crap built by small children in windowless warehouses rather than products built in America by Americans then lets call those people and those corporations exactly what they are; unAmerican and unpatriotic.

Let’s create a world where what is important is not the ignorant worship of wealth but the worship of those who cure diseases and create sustainable, non-GMO food to feed the world.  Let’s start making heroes not of the broken men and women that we sent off to war and then ignore completely when they return, seething with PTSD and anger but instead make heroes of those who bring us ALL closer together as a species and let those who need borders and nations fade away like so many other evolutionary dead ends that nature tossed aside in this world’s long history.  Let’s worship the good in people.  Let’s worship the REAL uniters, not the single digit IQ ones that soil everything they ever touched and then lied about it.

Ask yourself, if Jesus ran for president, how many votes would he get?  Would you even vote for him?

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