PTSD, Pretty Words and Reality.

I’m on Facebook. I see a lot of posts that advise us to live in the moment, to let the past go, to forgive ourselves and move on. Those are wonderful sentiments for some, I suppose. I guess there are truly people who can do those things and go on about their lives. I wish to whatever god might or might not exist that I was one of them.

I wake up every single morning of my life thinking about all the people I was directly responsible for their never waking up again. I don’t mean that as some sort of esoteric thought. I mean I wake up and I see the faces of those who I saw die and those I killed. I cannot forget them. They are there when I close my eyes at night and in my nightmares and when I wake up and when I see Facebook posts about some new atrocity my country has committed in my name and with my taxes.

I have been deeply ashamed of this country for many, many years. I have watched as Americans mindlessly cheer the deaths of people they do not know, in lands they didn’t even know existed until those people were murdered, for reasons they think they understand but don’t. I see normally intelligent people cheer these murders on when the murderer is of the same party as they follow and then get furious when the exact same murders are committed on orders from the party they do not follow. The women and children and men are just as dead and maimed regardless of which party ordered it but for some reason it matters to some people which party ordered it.

Bush started two completely unnecessary wars that Obama has gleefully supported and then pretended to call one war “finished” while leaving behind tens of thousands of the most vicious, violent mercenaries of modern times to guard the oil we stole. Obama ignores his own generals when they tell him that murdering more people will never result in any sort of “victory” but will only result in millions more hating us. Now he and his wealthy owners want to start another war and kill millions more and America yawns and goes back to arguing about issues that are meaningless to the government like religious demands concerning women’s bodies.

The difference between me and probably 99% of Americans is that when I hear about another school or hospital that we’ve bombed because there “might” have been someone we wanted dead inside, I don’t see the designated “terrorist” of the day, I see tiny little bodies torn to shreds, I see the faces of the parents as they frantically dig through the rubble and then I see their bodies being blown to small pieces as we bomb the rubble once again. This is reality. This is what is happening in my name. Over and over and over. I’ve heard it estimated that we murder hundreds of innocent men, women and children for ever person some faceless ass decides is the “terrorist de jour”.

I can’t put the horrors I committed behind me with a pretty picture and a few nice words because I am reminded every single day of what I did by seeing that it has never stopped. It just changed locations on the planet. The faces I see, the cries I constantly hear, the tiny bodies I watched wailing parents try to reassemble are directly related to the exact same scenes that are played out every single day in Afghanistan and Pakistan and Somalia and, in the next few weeks, in Iran. I can’t leave them behind because they keep piling up. I can’t forgive myself because what I did is still happening and I am powerless to stop it. And it’s all wrapped in the filthy flag and supported by a sick religion.

So you can post your pretty pictures of the murderer that’s our current President and make fun of the halfwits that want to take his place but no matter who you vote for, the dead will pile up and the hate will grow and the world continue to reek of death. And every single morning I will awaken and know that more people died that night that never needed to die and when I go to bed I think about those who died that day that never knew why we murdered them and who will spend whatever remains of their lives mourning their husbands and wives and children and brothers and sisters.

I realize that very few of you have any idea what I’m talking about. To you I highly recommend that you spend every waking moment thanking whatever power you think exists that you do not understand. Be forever thankful that you do not understand the feeling of being too much of a coward to end the sorrow by suicide so you look forward every day to when time and circumstance end it for you. I can NEVER apologize to those I’ve killed nor to those my country has killed and that breaks my heart every day.

I don’t believe in the Bronze Age fantasies of heaven and hell so I see no time when I will ever meet those souls again. I took sons from their mothers and fathers from their children and that is how it will forever be. I behaved in ways so evil that I am still stunned that I could ever have been so damned eager to do it. I can’t take it back. I can’t repay that debt to the universe.

If you have even one single thought about participating in the hell that this nation is inflicting on the world then you will be as damned as I am or you started out with no soul to damage. Every war can be avoided. Every death is useless. Every nightmare is hell that never need happen. They call it PTSD but I call it my personal hell. It’s not a pretty place and I want to leave.

So, I wish I could take that lovely advice and forget what I’ve done and what it sounded like when I did it but I can’t and my heart says I never should because to accept or, worse, to forget is to dishonor their lives and deaths. When I finally die, the memories of many, many people will die with me. Forever and ever.

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    • Rosimere says:

      My hometown is loctaed near the Walter Read Army Medical Center, the primary army hospital for injured troops. Every time an injured troop needs surgery, the army will ship them back to the states and hospitalize them at Walter Reed. This includes all injuries, including brain damage, burns, fractured bones, and more commonly, amputations. The sight of amputated soldiers is far too common in my town. Once the soldiers have recovered enough in Walter Reed, there families pay them a visit. During these visits, the soldiers usually visit the local shops, movie theaters and other venues, just to get there mind off their problems. It is there, in the downtown area, where I see these soldiers all the time. Most are amputees and are being pushed around in a wheel chair by a girlfriend or family member. The soldiers are obviously from outside the city, so they stand out even more. The utter grief and confusion creates a facial characteristic it seems many of them cannot change. Most are young men with their heads still shaven. Seeing these soldiers so frequently is one of the main contributing factos towards my negative attitude towards war, especially the ones the United States is in today. The troops are able bodied men, fighting for a cause many of them don t even understand. Then they return to the U.S, still in shock from battle, and they have no plan. They have no idea what to do next, where they will work, whether their family will still stick with them. It s awful, and it happens all the time. While the obvious physical damage will be permanent with the injured troops, the psychological and emotional stress will also be permanent, even among those troops that were not physically harmed during wartime. Blackouts are very common among troops, and they are becoming more frequent as more army men return home. Blackouts are moments of complete loss of control in which the troop reenacts war experiences. This can mean storming houses, fighting the enemy, screaming, etc., any type of event in war, recreated in the troops mind, and reenacted in real life. For example, troops who have developed anger issues have experienced fits of rage in which they do not remember. This type of emotional trauma is obviously more frequent than actually realized. Many troops don t even recognize the disorder, and if left untreated, can cause serious damage to their lives. The judicial system barely recognizes post traumatic stress disorder in court, especially in violent crimes. The issue is severe, and the consequences of leaving it unaddressed have yet to prove themselves. Most soldiers are very young, and they are throwing their lives away when they suffer from these types of traumas.

      • Raul says:

        they’d like to see him go tell that joke to one of our military bases and see who’s the cowrad. For starters, those soldiers aren’t the target audience of his comedy. First rule of public speaking is to know the audience and design your language and content to appeal them. As for the cowrad comment, if you’ve ever seen Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, you’d know that he doesn’t care who you are, he’ll tell you exactly what he feels to your face. The problem is that saying a joke that even I will admit was distasteful (one joke of an otherwise solid statement, I personally wish he left that joke out, but I digress) to a room full of people who would find it even more distasteful wouldn’t make him brave. It would make him an idiot. :-/ I’m not about to make a joke about African-Americans to a room full of African-Americans… good way to get your ass kicked or worse if you ask me. That’s not cowradice. That’s logic. I wouldn’t go to a Young-Republican meeting on a college campus and start cracking jokes about their politicians and policies. That’s rude. The fact that he hasn’t said these jokes to their faces only means he has the forethought to keep it to the audience that likes it, which is his narrow HBO following.I would like to state for the record that I don’t watch his shows. I also don’t personally agree with all his policies, and am proud to have my own opinions on things. I am merely stating the rudeness in using one bad joke to define and invalidate the entire message of a speech, as well as the image of a person. Everyone has done something stupid at some point or said something they shouldn’t have. I am sure you have to. The thing is, you don’t have cameras on you day and night to prove it to the rest of the world. I don’t characterize your entire being and persona based on your few mistakes throughout your life. And to quote the greatest book ever written, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” No truer words have ever been uttered. Are you telling me that you have never done anything that could possibly offend anyone, even if it was only meant as a joke? How about Fox News? Are they so divinely, perfectly innocent of this too? The truth is, no. It isn’t the first and it won’t be the last time someone said something tasteless in a public forum. Both sides will be on the pedestal saying stupid, tasteless jokes before you know it. The trick is to not let it get to you.

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  9. Shawn says:

    I hear you, man. I can’t say that I know what it feels like to remember the people that I’ve killed everyday. It sounds truly awful. Everything else that you wrote about, however, crosses my mind all of the time, and it bothers the fuck out of me. I hope that you can “find” the proverbial “peace” that is so often talked about. Maybe its bullshit. I dunno. I’ve heard it said often that helping less-fortunate people tends to have an uncanny ability make this existence slightly more tolerable. Maybe that’s an option. Good luck.

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