I’m on Facebook. I see a lot of posts that advise us to live in the moment, to let the past go, to forgive ourselves and move on. Those are wonderful sentiments for some, I suppose. I guess there are truly people who can do those things and go on about their lives. I wish to whatever god might or might not exist that I was one of them.
I wake up every single morning of my life thinking about all the people I was directly responsible for their never waking up again. I don’t mean that as some sort of esoteric thought. I mean I wake up and I see the faces of those who I saw die and those I killed. I cannot forget them. They are there when I close my eyes at night and in my nightmares and when I wake up and when I see Facebook posts about some new atrocity my country has committed in my name and with my taxes.
I have been deeply ashamed of this country for many, many years. I have watched as Americans mindlessly cheer the deaths of people they do not know, in lands they didn’t even know existed until those people were murdered, for reasons they think they understand but don’t. I see normally intelligent people cheer these murders on when the murderer is of the same party as they follow and then get furious when the exact same murders are committed on orders from the party they do not follow. The women and children and men are just as dead and maimed regardless of which party ordered it but for some reason it matters to some people which party ordered it.
Bush started two completely unnecessary wars that Obama has gleefully supported and then pretended to call one war “finished” while leaving behind tens of thousands of the most vicious, violent mercenaries of modern times to guard the oil we stole. Obama ignores his own generals when they tell him that murdering more people will never result in any sort of “victory” but will only result in millions more hating us. Now he and his wealthy owners want to start another war and kill millions more and America yawns and goes back to arguing about issues that are meaningless to the government like religious demands concerning women’s bodies.
The difference between me and probably 99% of Americans is that when I hear about another school or hospital that we’ve bombed because there “might” have been someone we wanted dead inside, I don’t see the designated “terrorist” of the day, I see tiny little bodies torn to shreds, I see the faces of the parents as they frantically dig through the rubble and then I see their bodies being blown to small pieces as we bomb the rubble once again. This is reality. This is what is happening in my name. Over and over and over. I’ve heard it estimated that we murder hundreds of innocent men, women and children for ever person some faceless ass decides is the “terrorist de jour”.
I can’t put the horrors I committed behind me with a pretty picture and a few nice words because I am reminded every single day of what I did by seeing that it has never stopped. It just changed locations on the planet. The faces I see, the cries I constantly hear, the tiny bodies I watched wailing parents try to reassemble are directly related to the exact same scenes that are played out every single day in Afghanistan and Pakistan and Somalia and, in the next few weeks, in Iran. I can’t leave them behind because they keep piling up. I can’t forgive myself because what I did is still happening and I am powerless to stop it. And it’s all wrapped in the filthy flag and supported by a sick religion.
So you can post your pretty pictures of the murderer that’s our current President and make fun of the halfwits that want to take his place but no matter who you vote for, the dead will pile up and the hate will grow and the world continue to reek of death. And every single morning I will awaken and know that more people died that night that never needed to die and when I go to bed I think about those who died that day that never knew why we murdered them and who will spend whatever remains of their lives mourning their husbands and wives and children and brothers and sisters.
I realize that very few of you have any idea what I’m talking about. To you I highly recommend that you spend every waking moment thanking whatever power you think exists that you do not understand. Be forever thankful that you do not understand the feeling of being too much of a coward to end the sorrow by suicide so you look forward every day to when time and circumstance end it for you. I can NEVER apologize to those I’ve killed nor to those my country has killed and that breaks my heart every day.
I don’t believe in the Bronze Age fantasies of heaven and hell so I see no time when I will ever meet those souls again. I took sons from their mothers and fathers from their children and that is how it will forever be. I behaved in ways so evil that I am still stunned that I could ever have been so damned eager to do it. I can’t take it back. I can’t repay that debt to the universe.
If you have even one single thought about participating in the hell that this nation is inflicting on the world then you will be as damned as I am or you started out with no soul to damage. Every war can be avoided. Every death is useless. Every nightmare is hell that never need happen. They call it PTSD but I call it my personal hell. It’s not a pretty place and I want to leave.
So, I wish I could take that lovely advice and forget what I’ve done and what it sounded like when I did it but I can’t and my heart says I never should because to accept or, worse, to forget is to dishonor their lives and deaths. When I finally die, the memories of many, many people will die with me. Forever and ever.